The hardest lesson I have learned as I late, is to take off my glasses of entitlement. Their focus was set to a self-centered and insecure view.
The rose-colored glasses gave way to delusions of grandeur. In no way did they help me be a better person. I removed the glasses. Trying to figure out what was happening in my life… I became a blind person lost in my own shadows.
Doubt and furry consumed me. I tried to hide my Demons, ignore my shadow. They busted through the cellar as if I locked the door with a paper lock.
I have always considered myself a good person, I did not need a class to teach me how to be kind. I was raised to know what was right and wrong, how to act, but not why, and certainly not when I myself was hurting and in pain.
I didn’t really ever understood the why, other than to be on the “winning side of things” the side of “good”. Everyone wants to be one of the good guys, but is that true and genuine for you even when you are hurting?
When you have been wronged?
When you are in pain?
It is too easy when hurt to fall into negative thoughts. Thoughts that are detrimental to the self, especially to those who give so much, emptying who they are for the “betterment” of others. Giving or sacrificing of yourself does not keep those you sacrifice for from learning the lessons or walking the path they need. If they have problems telling the truth or handling anger, you making their life easier will not keep them from needing to come to terms with truth, their emotions, or their integrity. It is part of them walking their path. You can’t do it for them no matter how much you love them.
Going through this, I asked myself, was it too little too late for me when I embraced my shadows and saw my demons as the ugly parts of me that make me whole? To forgive that side of me and let go. To move forward for what is healthy for me as well as my loved ones? Was it too late? No. Not for my path and not for me or my loved ones. I love and care for them and they know.
Self analysis is difficult for anyone. I have found that owning to your own faults is a humiliating but a necessary process to learning self love and forgiveness. I am finding that this process is helping me keep my own cup full, enough to help myself and others from a healthy place instead of a place of need and insecurity.
I’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes we get to experience a death process. Where everything changes, for whatever reason, and once we surrender to it we come out the other side, reborn, evolved.
Evolving towards enlightenment is my understanding of “good” of what is right towards being whole. This is my understanding of why. To move, evolve towards unconditional love and compassion, to be kindness. Mindful.