Pondering dynamics of relationships~

Husband, Partner and Dominant. All three are male lovers I am involved with.  Each with their own quirks, interests and different levels of intimacy. 

I am a passionate, sensual, giving and very sexual person with them.   I am also addicted to touch.  I love to touch and pamper and be touched all over.  I can spend hours tickling and massaging a loved one. 

Not everyone likes to touch or be touch as much as I do.  As most everyone express intimacy in varying degrees. My struggle is remembering this is not a rejection of myself or others involved.  Or feeling as if I am being pawned off on the one who shares the same delight in touch, intimacy, and kink. 

The differences? well, a quick summary . . .

One is happy spending an hour with me every morning chatting as we have breakfast together, the occasional kiss and hug, a back scratch or two. A massage and/or falling asleep in my arms.  He is very quiet and can get very grumpy and stand offish when he does not feel well or wants to sleep. 

The other, due to distance, is happy with an occasional phone call or letter/email. When we do have a chance to be together is more into hand holding and kissing, while sharing and creating stories. 

The Third like myself, delights in touch- which spoils me.  Spoils me in a way that I forget others ‘touch’ boundaries, which is something I need to work more on, my forgetfulness has created more than a couple of awkward moments.  Which only ends up in me hurting myself. 

This relationship has also awoken some forgotten desires and yearnings.  A bitter sweet feeling as I was so accustom to turning everything off and ignoring my desires.  

Now I’m waking, more and more each day, each moment. I’m not sure I like it, for it feels like a blessing and a curse.  I feel that my wants, desires, and needs are interfering on others enjoyments lovers and pass times. 

It’s been made clear that I’ve been taking, wanting, or asking for too much time or for things which the energy has been expended for another or somewhere else and I’m left with ‘not in the mood’ or ‘too tired’ or ‘go and see so and so’. 

It’s also been made clear to me that I’m not allowed to give up my date nights. Which is frustrating because I feel like I’m in the way of others developing their own closeness. 

 I need to find some balance to where I feel happy and fulfilled as well as those in my life knowing they are continuing on with their happiness along with mine. 

Working on this communication and finding this balance will be interesting but well worth it. 

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