On being released

 I never thought I would ask to be released, though that is what it came to.

Feeling neglected and disposable was not healthy for me.  I was not getting what I needed; there was too much going on for both of us.  I asked to be released.

I feel it was the right decision while we worked on “sorting” so many “things” going on in life.

I also feel a big empty hole within me.  I have to stop myself from doing my former daily devotions. They were habit and meant a great deal, though I was not aware of how much until I stopped completely. 

I talk with some in my life with their responses as “well, your better off”, yet my heart does not feel better off.

I feel agony, doubt, and sadness.  I feel disconnected and painfully empty. 

I just wish it were easier for me. 

I’m proud of myself for setting healthy boundaries, yet I am seeking comfort.  It is not easy for me to stick up for myself, especially with those whom I love, care for and am devoted to.  It is that part of loving myself, of caring for myself. 

I am hurting.  I’m tired of hurting. I’m trying very hard to stay positive, not falling into ‘self depreciating’ statements, but the truth is I still hurt.  Staying positive, loving myself and working through the pain, is the only way I can do this.  

It has brought up a lot of baggage as well.  So I’m feeling the pain and letting it go, instead of ignoring it and pretending it didn’t happen. 

I just wish I did not feel so alone no matter the fact that this is a process I must feel and do alone. 

Truthfully, right now, I just want to be held. Held by someone who loves me, feeling safe and warm.  Feeling valued. 

 I just want to cry until everything feels better or until I feel nothing at all and I can fall into a dreamless sleep.