A while back i wrote a blog about the things i’ve learned… and now i feel like i could add an entire library more with a daily need to reread everything … and no it’s not easy, at least for me.
i guess sometimes i need to learn by the 2×4 method, my memory returns… jolting back with each sting of pain or phrase.
This past while, due to . . . life ~ feeling as if i have failed myself, ashamed i have failed others, realizing i was failed as well.
Going through confusion, pain, sorrow, doubt of self worth, too many tears, and truthfully doubt of everything … and taking the time to heal… finding that the deceptions uncovered ran so very deep.
i am still baffled by them and All Those involved.
As new ones keep surfacing everyday… i just breathe and realize ~ no matter how hard Others tried to change or force me to change and be something i am not ~going to sickening measures in doing so… i remain me~ learning from my experiences and mistakes and am simply me. and that’s the best i can be.
The essence of who and what i am, always working to better my self, turn the other cheek and be better. Always trying to achieve that inherent balance, within myself. Longing to help complete Another’s Dominance.
To learn from what has been presented, to see what has been reflected within me, to try and push myself to ‘go there’ thinking and believing i belonged to those Who would help me get there ~ only to be enlightened to the reality that i was alone all along
~ but no longer.
i am very blessed and thankful to be in consideration to Jaemhas. A Wonderful Person, Aany and Aall are lucky to count Him amongst Ttheir Ffriends.
Among many qualities i have found Him to be Someone Who is True, Honest, Trustworthy, Loving, Consistent, Real, Compassionate and Strong.
my Sir takes me to the places, provides the experiences that fulfill me and give reason to/for my submissive soul.
As i’ve said to others before, Sir Jaemhas takes me there from a Stance and Existence of True Dominance and not from a position of a predator, fake, player, manipulator, user, or abuser.
A new path, a new journey steeped with what this lifestyle is rich and beautiful for. Passions, growing, learning, facing fears, each day becoming better, closer each moment,
learning from the not so great moments and trying harder, swimming in nirvana in The connection of both Oour energies.
Submitting completely to/for Him and know i am cherished and treasured as His.
The daily things that go along with this lifestyle, setting it apart from the mundane are all deeply rewarding for me, all these things i am blessed to be allowed with Him . . . the way i speak with my Sir, the way i dress or am not dressed to please, etiquette, protocol, sexual and sensual service, etc… the rituals daily, formal, and otherwise are sacred for me.
Knowing, seeing, feeling, sensing, smelling, tasting, the Realness with my Sir Jaemhas is phenomenal…
i believe that in a relationship, Bboth need to be involved. When there is one, whether vanilla or lifestyle, is the only one investing or investing more than the Oother, without regard or notice from their Ccounterpart, results can be devastating.
i am very blessed and very lucky to feel that Wwe are both there at a level of understanding, insync in many areas, learning, growing and exploring together.
With that said, i’m given the honor of being able to perform Sir Jaemhas’ submissive ritual. This ritual is Sacred, Beautifully Intricate, and so very humbling to me.
Nearly every morning, is love, peaceful, and healing, not to mention fulfilling. Reminding me of my place as His, belonging to only Him.
To open my eyes first thing and say:
“Sir Jaemhas, good morning, i am Yours and i Love it!” and proceed with the steps of the ritual. i instantly am wet and filled with emotions, feeling and at peace as well.
To breathe and proceed with step one, on my back with my legs straight, ankles and knees tightly together ~ i run my hands through my hair, i cover my eyes, then my mouth… i run my hands down my face, neck shoulders, chest, i then squeeze both breasts, pinch both nipples, and continue to run my hands down my belly over my pubic mound and cup my pussy. i squeeze it, and then clench the cheeks of my delicious ass
Feeling myself, connecting to my body for Him, i then say: “Your submissive is ready for the day, all of her body is in place and ready for Your Use and Your Desires, for they are mine as well.” realizing that by connecting Wwe can delve deeper, go further into the fathomless depths of desires. Together.
i then remain on my back, spreading my arms and legs wide as though tied spread-eagle, closing my eyes, picturing myself tied as such, feeling His invisible bonds upon my limbs, holding me.
Savoring the words as i say them: “Sir Jaemhas, all of me is open and awaiting You. Especially my mind, my heart, and my spirit.” This connects me with more than just being a physical shell for someone. my mind, heart, and spirit do also belong to Sir Jaemhas and they do matter and are treasured.
Still savoring the second step, i open my eyes and proceed to the third. Stretching my arms above my head, my wrists are together and i bring my ankles together and stretch them towards the foot of the bed. Closing my eyes and once again imagining Sir’s invisible bonds holding me.
Then stating “Sir Jaemhas, the length, width, breadth and depths of me are Yours to explore, discover and exploit to Oour greater pleasure and devotion. i am held by Your Will, blessed by Your Attentions and Affections”
which is truth sublime for me.
There is no other way for me to describe it, this phrase connects all that i am to Him
For far too long, i have given with out being filled, with nothing being reciprocated but fallacies ~ and on several occasions it nearly did me in.
Finally able to give completely, submit fully, to be with Someone Who does reciprocates with True Dominance, is a blessing.
Ppeople say submission is a gift, well so is True Dominance. Oone cannot exist without the Oother.
Moving fluidly to step four, i open my eyes and roll onto my breast, belly and pubic mound. i get to press them against the bed and snuggle in a moment and then once again spread my arms and legs wide.
Closing my eyes i imagine myself thusly bound to the bed by Sir and say: “Sir Jaemhas, my body is Your helpless vulnerable playground, to be taken completely in sensational ways, be they pleasure or pain. i trust You in all things”
The most sacred thing of all, damaged by lies, games, and insecurities… frivolities and selfishness… trust goes both ways.
Within that trust in Him flows the strength for me to be completely vulnerable for Him.
To do with as He pleases, to take me to the point of breaking and bringing me back. Every time.
And with each time, each session, each moment, each touch, each private conversation of all things lifestyle or not, that trust grows. The depths of this, something i’ve never felt so powerfully before and am grateful beyond words…
Usually breathing in deeply at this point… i move onto step five and open my eyes. i cross my wrists at the small of my back and keep my legs extended, while crossing my ankles. i close my eyes again imagining myself bound hand and foot, and usually sigh in comfort.
Then proceed with saying: “Sir Jaemhas, i am tied by You, tied to You, fulfilled by Your bondage ~ whether physically applied or by Your Command ~whether Written, Signaled, or Voiced”
mmmmmm always in bondage, always held in one form or another.
Always belonging, cherished, and treasured… and by the Commands and with the Commands comes precious communications . . .
The Commands need to be there to be followed and i crave His commands, always clear, concise, creative… and i am a captive to them. Happily so, ~ for there are no guessing games here ~ to which i am very thankful.
Speaking of captive… for step six, i open my eyes, extend my arms still keeping them behind my back and roll onto my back deliciously pinning my wrists beneath me. my ankles are still crossed and once on my back i squeeze the area between my thighs.
Closing my eyes and again imagine myself tied like this lying before Sir and continuing by saying: “Sir Jaemhas, i am captive to Your Will, plaything to Your Whims, and playground of Your Desires restrained in the strictest of bondage…my own desires to be just that”
This phrase, i love and love saying it, everything resonates true~ It reinforces my place, my heart, my peace.
The Happiness that is there when He is pleased, when a desire is fulfilled, mmmmm there really isn’t anything better, other than to do it again ~ if He chooses. ~Purrrrrrrrs~
Then for step seven, i move to the edge of the bed, movements slow and sensual, savoring every moment. i savor each and every step, deep, rich, sooth dripping with meaning.
Kneeling at the edge of the bed, my arms extend and my hands clasp behind me. my knees together, as well as my ankles. i lean forward, bringing my breasts against the top of my thighs, as though ready for a ball tie *drools*, closing my eyes and hold the pose thusly to show Sir my bound state for Him.
i wait as He reclines in bed savoring the sight of me, deciding my fate…
As i say the following: “Sir Jaemhas, i am totally prisoner of all Your Needs and Cravings, for they mirror mine own and fill the emptiness of my unfulfilled submissive soul, by being kept ~ completed by You. As i complete Your Dominance by being it’s object and focus.”
This phrase does bring me to tears…at first from pain and now from gratitude. The first time i went through this step, i lost it . . . i didn’t realize how empty i was, i did not realize the depth of my emotion, of the pain and hurt i hid from, ignored, until shown.
Forced to see i was giving blindly to detrimental voids…
Not until my empty cup was filled did i realize how desolate my submissive existence was, and makes me grateful for now.
i could never get past this with out rocking my self in comfort… so to move on to step eight i open my eyes, keeping my hands behind my back, and slowly and gently lower my head so that my forehead rests on the bed as well as my breasts… my knees and ankles still together, my bottom pushed up so that Sir has access to whichever He desires and i close my eyes.
Taking a moment i inhale deeply and exhale, centering myself.
i continue with saying: “Sir Jaemhas, You are my sanctuary, i am Your vessel, Your keep, filled by You, bare and naked always for You, hiding nothing from You. Your thoughts, desires, secrets, never divulged. i am Yours in every way You request, for within You balance is obtained, tranquility fulfilled. my fervency blossoms within Your Passions and flourish by Your Control. my peace, strength, and the essence of my being thrive with Your Control.”
As i trust Him with the deepest darkest parts of my soul and all the skeletons, so He trusts me. What is confided with me stays and if there ever comes a time He decides to move on, those confidences stay. As much as it would break my heart ~ the confidences stay, in every way shape and form . . . There is no other way for it, for me, to be.
Finding comfort in that i open my eyes, stand and face the bed, moving onto step nine. i take a moment and find the ‘lil girl’ within me. Keeping my head down, eyes lowered, legs together and ankles tightly together. my arms are straight with my upper arms and elbows pressing against the sides of my breasts, plumping and pushing them together. my hands are clasped together and cup my sweet little tingling wet virgin pussy.
Innocently i continue by saying: “Sir Jaemhas, i am Your good little girl. Here to be instructed, taught, commanded, and trained in all the ways i should behave to please You. Punished when necessary, pleasured when i perform well and “do good”. Cherished as Your little girl always, even when i’m bratty and bad… for You will not allow me to be so for long, unless it pleases You.”
This step frees a hidden vulnerable state, a quiet innocence, i had to force out for Oothers, but is naturally and readily available for Him, He just brings it all out of me …
and another part, ‘punished when necessary’, never left to guess if i did something wrong, because good communication is in place . . . punishments are stated, quickly assigned, fair, and quickly, proudly served to the best of my ability, and learned from and forgiven.
Moving onto step ten, another aspect of myself blossoms under Sir, and, still standing, i bring my clasped hands up, over, and behind my neck, holding them there. Keeping my head back, neck long and stretched with my throat exposed, i thrust out my breasts and pelvis invitingly. i spread my feet apart to expose all of me. i close my eyes and find my ‘wanton, oversexed, inner slut’ and present her to Sir, for His inspection.
Throatily, i say: “Sir Jaemhas, i am Your naughty and nasty little tramp, Your sexually driven slut, nothing is too dirty or filthy for me to do or say if it pleases or excites You. i am ready for anything, willing to try anything, a slave to Your Lusts, my lusts and sexual sensation. Force me. Use me. Slap me. Spank me. Pinch me. Tickle me. Pull my hair. Grope my curves. Choke my neck with Your Hands, my throat with Your Cock. Shove me on my back and shove it up my cunt. Throw me on my belly and shove it in my ass. i’m Your slut bitch and i love it all.”
There is something to be said for raw primal carnal desires, darkly passionate and dangerous. Then to have said desires that have been locked up and hidden away for years… accepted… related too… fulfilled…. So completely sated…. Mmmmmmmmm
Slowly lowering my hands and going to my hands and knees i begin step eleven with wrists and ankles together first, then i spread them a part. my head is up and i imagine myself collared and leashed with cuffs upon my wrists and ankles
Purring, i continue by saying: “Sir Jaemhas, i am Your pretty obedient pet. i thrive on Your training. i revel in Your affections. i am the happiest when You compliment me for performing well. my kitty heart breaks when You have to scold and punish me, but it makes me try all the harder. i love being led around by You, or being drawn to You by my leash or chain. i desire nothing more than to curl up beside You, be petted by You and have the chance to lick You all over. i long for Your Commands”
Purrrrrrrss, this being the first of the positions down on my knees… there is a playfulness, peacefulness and joy in peaking over the edge of the bed, wide eyed. purring while i state my submission, my devotions, i tingle as my excitement and enthusiasm grows.
Moving back to my knees, legs and knees back together, i move my hands in my lap, reaching between my thighs to touch pubis, my head is down. This position instantly places me in servant mentality, and it always makes me tingle.
Savoring the excitement in my body, i say: “Sir/Master Jaemhas, i am Your totally obedient servant. i perform such tasks as You impart to me, quickly and happily, each one proves my devotion and desire for You. Each one reaffirms Your trust and delight in me. i dress, or undress, as You desire. i act and comport myself in accordance with Your wishes to reflect my respect for You, and respect for myself. i always look my best for You, for it reflects upon You as much as it does me.”
The reflection of my soul, to serve is an honor, to show my devotions and my desires for Him with every task, complex or simple, each completed with all of my heart and soul. happily, peacefully, sensually, and lovingly…. Makes me feel alive.
i cannot disguise the joy in my heart, nor do i want to.
For step thirteen, i remain kneeling, knees wide a part. my hands squeeze and slap my pubis and play with my sex. Before cumming, i bring my hands up the front of my body to fondle and slap my breasts, pinch my nipples. Both of my hands squeeze my throat, cover my mouth, then i cover my eyes. i then grasp and pull my hair. Then i place my hands, clasped, behind my back, my chest thrust outwards and my pubic mound pushed forwards. Doing this always makes me want to move my hips in little circles…
i continue by saying: “Sir Jaemhas, i am Your complete and total slave and submissive. All of my body is Yours, ripe and ready for the taking. All of my mind is focused upon my service, my devotion, my trust, and my imagination. All being used to please You, for i know the pleasure will be returned upon me tenfold. All of my heart and soul are in bondage to You and are Yours. my body, mind and heart are always in bondage and i never forget, or regret, my submission to You.
This is makes my heart sing, reaffirming all of who and what i am, within Him, as well as showing me what was truly there within me…
The circle completed expanding day by day to new levels, fills me with new hope, a little fear of the unknown as well as reassured Trust in my Sir Jaemhas, that all is and will be well ~ perhaps better than ever possibly conceived.
And finally i slowly move and begin the last step, fourteen… savoring every little movement, my heart feeling as if it were going to explode, i move on my knees towards the bed, and lay my face down upon it. my knees are still on the floor and i close my eyes and imagine my mouth upon Him as He strokes my hair.
Continuing by saying: “i am Yours. All that i am is Yours. Your Wants, Desires, Needs, Pleasures, Commands, and Passions, are mine. Wwe share all these and much more. More than others will ever know, in devotion deeper than marriage. Choose me every day and keep me always, Sir Jaemhas.”
Tears do fall when i complete this ritual.
For each time, it helps me leave the pains of the past behind. It brings me to present. To what is here and now totally focusing on my reason to be.
my Sir Jaemhas.
i am His, i am His slave, i am His submissive, His pet, His whatever He needs or wants, with my own identity of me. my own thoughts, my own creativity, my own imagination, contributing as much to Oour D/s relationship as He does. my trust in Him, all that i am, His ~
Hopefully achieving Oour own Balance ~ Oour own kinky zen.
i couldn’t be luckier for i am very blessed, and happy, with a true sense of peace.
Finally able to breathe.