Journal Excerpt ~ Lovers

I felt like I could confide in her today. I shared my feelings regarding MJ.  Told her that I feel like he is pulling away and he will release me soon.


Being released frightens me to no end. Even though this relationship is LDR, the service, being a slave, gives reason to my unfulfilled submissive heart.  I feel like I have purpose.  There is something so very intimate about my service, ritual, and daily devotions.


I take pride in them.  I could tell that what I choose in this lifestyle is not her cup of tea.


It has been weeks since I’ve heard from Him. He informed me of  ________, which I know is not replacing me, just an addition. It does make me wonder about the money. 
and I’m sure if it is right and meant to be, the visit will happen.   I wish LDRs were easier.


But if it is not working for me, do I have the courage to walk away and take time for me? 


I noticed I was babbling about my insecurities of things ending again.  Her eyes started to glaze over.  Always a clear sign I was babbling… I’m really feeling anxious that I shared too much of my heart. 


Before I finished, I said I think that I would take a break from the lifestyle for a while, If released. 


She told me no one would fault me for it, and she would be able to take over and fill LS needs for a bottom while I sorted things out.


I found that statement odd, not really sure what to do with it, or how to feel about it.  I didn’t know what to do so I smiled and apologized for babbling and we moved on to other things to talk about, before I left to go home.  


I feel unsettled about everything.  


I wish I would not have said anything.