I am anxiety ridden.
I’ve tried to find the source of the anxiety as well as the less than positive thoughts and behaviors that have ensued. I am ashamed to admit that I have given way too much of myself and may have tried to be something I’m not. Lies are not casual and I am not okay with them. They hurt worse when I find out later instead of when people are upfront about them.
As to the source of the anxiety, I can pinpoint a moment that shattered my trust. When confronted, all I received was a lie in return. As a result of their hidden truths, I’ve come to question everything they say and do. This is not me. I yell at myself wondering why I care.
For the most part, I’ve freed myself of the opinion of others. With the exception of those I have feelings for. I can’t help it but I continue to wonder why they were not honest. At the moment, If my heart was not involved, I would be able to walk away. I’ve forgiven the act, but the trust, because the truth was never admitted too, the trust is questionable.
With every situation that crops up, the old me would have been okay with it. But this damaged heart I have now is not okay with these new casual situations. I keep hearing that I am nothing but a means to an end.
This one little act impacts several other situations and relationships. I hate myself for not being able to let go.