Some reminders for me~

Having experienced another lesson, I have taken a step back and have processing and reflecting.  

I have yet to decide on posting my journal entries regarding the experience.

 I have, however, decided to go through all of my journal entries from when I entered the lifestyle and post them on this blog, editing where necessary, to the anonymity of the not so innocent. 

In doing this and moving forward, I remind myself of the following: 

~Be true to myself, respect myself. 

~I am not everyone’s ideal beauty. I am the best me that I can be for me. Besides if beauty is only skin deep, I as well as others are much preferred inside out.

~ Sexy is a state of mind and passion is my soul.

~Those who were disrespecting me and my relationships, they were also disrespecting all those involved.  I have no time for that. 

~I dislike labels. We are more that what a few words define, for we are the sum total of our existence.

~I choose happiness and be true to myself.

~I trust, but verify; and learned to trust people to be true to their nature.

~A genuine smile, hello or picture, can make anyone’s day better ~ it always does for me.

~True friends are few and far between and they are to be cherished and valued. 

~I have no tolerance for lies or game playing.

~Hermit mode is okay, from time to time.

~Differences are beautiful and there is much to be learned from them.

~Patience and respect, for myself as well as for others.

~Inner strength I had no clue I had.

~Courtesy, being nice, and making sure I am being treated well also, does matter

~New love is great, old love is better.

~Try to make sure my words are better than silence.

~To not be afraid to ask questions.

~To challenge my imagination and walk into the places that harbor fear.

~Not to allow fear control me.

~Those who want to be around me, will.

~To cherish every day, and be thankful and grateful for what We have, for in and instant it can all be gone.

~I am worth sticking up for. 

~I learned that anything worthwhile is never easy.

Journal Excerpt ~ Lovers

I felt like I could confide in her today. I shared my feelings regarding MJ.  Told her that I feel like he is pulling away and he will release me soon.

Being released frightens me to no end. Even though this relationship is LDR, the service, being a slave, gives reason to my unfulfilled submissive heart.  I feel like I have purpose.  There is something so very intimate about my service, ritual, and daily devotions.

I take pride in them.  I could tell that what I choose in this lifestyle is not her cup of tea.

It has been weeks since I’ve heard from Him. He informed me of  ________, which I know is not replacing me, just an addition. It does make me wonder about the money. 
and I’m sure if it is right and meant to be, the visit will happen.   I wish LDRs were easier.

But if it is not working for me, do I have the courage to walk away and take time for me? 

I noticed I was babbling about my insecurities of things ending again.  Her eyes started to glaze over.  Always a clear sign I was babbling… I’m really feeling anxious that I shared too much of my heart. 

Before I finished, I said I think that I would take a break from the lifestyle for a while, If released. 

She told me no one would fault me for it, and she would be able to take over and fill LS needs for a bottom while I sorted things out.

I found that statement odd, not really sure what to do with it, or how to feel about it.  I didn’t know what to do so I smiled and apologized for babbling and we moved on to other things to talk about, before I left to go home.  

I feel unsettled about everything.  

I wish I would not have said anything.


You tell me I can do whatever I want before we play and give me your safe word.  Great!!

You have amazing orgasms, I make you squirt.

Then you say: ‘We forgot to have the talk’

THEN you tell me No Ass Play and No Anal Sex? AFTER we had sex?



I asked various times if you were okay, how you were doing and you said you were fine.  doing good.  oooo it felt soooooooooo good.

You never said ‘no, I am not okay.’

From the looks and feel of it, you are very use to a fist or bigger in your ass.

More importantly: You did not safe word.



Without lube, without tearing, without bleeding, and No Safe Word.

Then you say a thumb, smaller than my fist, hurts?

Does this mean a fist is okay but a thumb is a hard limit?


Wanna try again?

Wanna stop the ‘poor me’ Bull Shit and try to communicate a little bit more, TRUTHFULLY?

eh…  never mind, brat.